I dearly love schedules and routines. The rhythms are grounding and they anchor me a bit to this 'time' thing that everyone else seems to understand. When schedules get altered or routines get interrupted, I get confused and lost, and it takes far too much effort to find my place. I've walked out of more than one shower without rinsing my hair because traveling changed my morning.
When I was a child they insisted that allowing us our routines was somehow bad--and yet they talk about how establishing routines for things like bedtime is a good thing. This doesn't make sense for me, though I think the thinking behind the former was "you can't run on routines when you grow up".
Running on routines is exactly what I do. I have a set morning routine, a set bed routine, and several interchangeable day routines depending on what is going on that day. The week has the same rhythm. If the week doesn't have the same rhythm I get extremely tired and cranky. Sleep 15 hours at a stretch tired. It's not a good thing.
Since there are times I know my schedule is going to change, I can work with that. I write up my weekly schedule & post it on my wall 3 weeks before the change actually happens,right next to the current schedule. When it's possible to ease into it, even using a placeholder activity in place of usual down time, I do that. If I can make the same active hours in the transition, I can transition the activities more easily than trying to do it all cold. Downscaling is harder, but it's also ok to sleep for 15 hours when my schedule drops off, or I can fill time with things like "taking the cat for a walk" (no, really). It's also much harder to forget what happens in a day if I've been looking at it for weeks.
If I need to change a part of my daily routine, like my morning routine, it's a bit more difficult. I actually do have about 5 morning routines worked out now, but it took many years. If I need to do a new one, I write everything out and follow it step by step. Again, I start using the new one before I need to, even if it's for a short term situation. Especially for a short term situation, since if I'm traveling I need to be 'on' the whole time and will also be dealing with a bit of jet lag or con crud. It's still a bit jarring, but at least there's no "what comes after shampoo?" confusion.
I also really hate environmental change. Loathe. Despise. I hate moving and I hate when everything in the room moves and I hate when the grocery store changes where things are.
Unlike with schedules, I have absolutely zero control over most of these things! I almost never change my environment, except adding or subtracting a thing or 2 very gradually, but sometimes I'll go into work and everything will be wrong and my boss forgot to warn me and I start hyperventilating because it all changed! NOOOOO!
It's not reasonable for me to demand the inventory people at the store move things back in violation of their job, nor can I demand that work be put back how it belongs-and often, objectively, it's a better set up. I can, however, reset my mind so I can function.
I do that by going outside and taking a lap around the building. Or walking to get a snack. Something that takes long enough that I can calm down, slow my breathing, acclimate, but not so long that my old internal map of the place totally overrides the mind snapshot of the new layout. I'll still feel off for the first while, but it's better.
Soooo yeah. I hate changes and love schedules.
You're so awesome to be sharing this! To hear it from the inside out makes it more sensical to me. Love schedules - can't keep 'em to save my life. Takes a lot of extra work and everything came undone once I became a Mom. We are an SPD household and I find many of the things that help those who are autistic also help my oldest girl. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteIt's funny how much I hear others put down a routine - as in "I don't know how you stay at home so much. I would be bored silly." Or the idea that sticking to a routine means we're inflexible. Or a worrywart. Or overprotective.
ReplyDeleteI once had a very wise woman tell me that Routines are de-stressors for the soul. I love that.
Routines are like autopilot programs. They relieve the need to remember every little step. Routines are hard for me to establish. Apparently that part of my executive function system isn't doing so well. When I can establish that routine things really do work better. Hmm...first step in establishing a routine after the initial write up--look at the routine every day.
ReplyDeleteThis is something that plagues me. I KNOW that routines and schedules and explicit instructions are so important for my son yet I just have soooo much trouble creating the lists, writing the calendar and sticking to the schedule. It's nuts because the benefits are so obvious when I am able to create and stick to the routine but it's so damn hard to do it. I can't get it in gear. It's so frustrating because it really does stress the whole house out when I (we) don't have a plan or aren't able to stick to it.
ReplyDeleteLayenie told me it was unreasonable to try to make Target put the peanut butter back where it belongs, also. Whose side are you on? ;)
ReplyDeleteI so agree with you on this. Exactly the reason I can't shop at Walgreens...they don't put things where they should be. Dumb store.
DeleteOh! Oh! Oh! There are apparently two Walgreens layout templates. In one, it's all jacked up like I totally know what you are talking about. In the other, it flows. Weird, I know. But when we moved a couple miles away so the babies could have a room, the local Walgreens was correct like the one by my parents' house. I am not exaggerating. Try one two miles down the road and it might be cool.
DeleteI have been told your lovely wife is correct on this one, Ibby. But it's ok to walk around crying silently because Target is wrong now. You can also apparently ask for disability assistance if you're like me & get too lost to function, though I dunno how they are with not blaringly obvious disabilities.
ReplyDelete@gladhas I do my things all written up in reusable form. If I h ave to write it every week, not gunna happen.
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DeleteLet's try this again: She is often correct. I don't think I was crying silently when they moved the peanut butter, though, I think I was meltingdown kind of moderately to perhaps more than moderately loudly about how are we supposed to be able to go shopping if they are going to gratuitously move the peanut butter to completely illogical places with no forewarning and no signage, etc, etc, and why is every single person in the Chicagoland area in this particular suburban Target right now today chattering anyway and aaauugghh! Then I stopped, because, you know. Blaringly obvious *may* have been taking place at the time...
DeleteI'm a severely ADHD, spontaneous, not-a-planning-gene-in-my-body gal, who thrives on novelty. When I sought counseling and diagnosis upon suspecting at 35 that I had this ADD thing, the counselor asked me what day I did laundry. I said, "what do you mean? You mean there are people who actually know what day they're going to do laundry?" So chaos used to reign at my house...which would be fine except two of my children desperately need order and routine in their lives. I've gotten help from FLYlady.net, a sort of life coaching website and she says, like Lynn above, that our routines free us to do what matters to us. Thank you for posting your perspective, it helps me understand my son's viewpoint.
ReplyDeleteCan't run on routines? Actually my entire professional world runs on routines. That's literally what I get hired to do, is to make the routines that make everyone else feel safe doing their jobs.
ReplyDeleteBut Chavisory, I'll bet a large percentage of the ones you invent routines for would believe of themselves that they can't do routines. I totally bet that's how they would feel about themselves, because they are not good at *making* the routine. But once you have made it for them, safety ensues.
ReplyDelete(Source: I know what field Chavisory is in ;) )
I have legit started moving things around to the way they were before when people move things at work on me. One time they switched the position of two plastic drawers and I had to switch them back before I could do anything else. No one else noticed or cared that the drawers moved. I did. I use them every work day, they need to be in the same spot or I will get confused.
ReplyDeleteHi. Chaotic, unscheduled mom of a newly diagnosed 2 year old here. I'd love to make a schedule, to ground both of us, but there are so many things that do happen spontaneously. How do I help him deal with that? Will adhering to a schedule most of the time make those transitions harder at easier for him?
ReplyDeleteHi. Chaotic, unscheduled mom of a newly diagnosed 2 year old here. I'd love to make a schedule, to ground both of us, but there are so many things that do happen spontaneously. How do I help him deal with that? Will adhering to a schedule most of the time make those transitions harder at easier for him?
ReplyDelete